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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the ...

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

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The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja" via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2HLLlmu The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

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WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON. via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2plXuYr WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

My girlfriend just emailed me

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"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"Does anyone know what "ternative" mean? via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2FEQJez "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

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"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."Leviticus 20:13 ESV via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2HxPlH5 "A man who lays with another man should be stoned." Leviticus 20:13 ESV

Me: What's the wifi password?

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Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?Me: Sure. How much is that?Bartender: $3.Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2Gg2LYP Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Three porn stars were getting drunk

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And they started bragging to each other about their exploitsPorn star 1 said: “Girls, I’m easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting for the game to end.”Porn star 2 then said: “Pshhh! You’re a nerdy teenager compared to me. I fucked an entire fraternity when I was in college. Even the pledges. And I did it by just walking up, knocking on the front door, and asking who was ready for some fun.”Porn star 1 was taken aback... but porn star 3 didn’t even blink. She just said “girls, compared to me, you two may as well be a couple of catholic nuns. Wasn’t long ago that I fucked every man, woman, and child in these here United States. And I did it by signing a non disclosure agreement during an election year.” via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2p0vYzm And they started bragging to each other about their exploits Porn star 1 said: “Girls, I’m easi...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

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I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.Edit: Sorry. via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2CSNIkn I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada. Edit: Sorry.

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

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Jane explained to him what it was.Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground."Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel." via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2C6dKov Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Her...

Afternoon Sex

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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. “There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle." via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2BqIq2K The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apa...

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

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They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.¯\_(ツ)_/¯ via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2EjQa9n They're the Tolkien white guys. Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

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On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium... via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2EuDPOM On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo...

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Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck." via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2EESN2v Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

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A solid 10, but also imaginary. via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2BS9swc A solid 10, but also imaginary.

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

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Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless. via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2GDMlJx Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter

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He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."The guy looks down to see a 6'4 300lb guy and says "Well, I don't think I can do that. What's the other two parts?""After that, you have to go outside. Around back is where we keep Big Jim's dog. He's the baddest junkyard dog you've ever seen. You have to go get a tooth out of his mouth. And then, when you're done with that you have to go upstairs. There you'll find Big Jim's mom. She's 70 years old and never had an orgasm in her life. You've gotta go up there and fuck her to completion."The man says "Wow, I can see why the jar is so full."After a few hours of drinking the man get sloppy drunk and says "Fuck it,...

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

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I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2GtWg4v I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out.

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"No, just having a shit!" via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2DESIKy "No, just having a shit!"

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

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Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless." via /r/Jokes http://ift.tt/2DAtiBn Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

The husband leans over and asks his wife

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"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."Yes, she says, "I remember it well."OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?""Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..Then suddenly th...